Claiming my Inner Bitch

Lessons Learned, Part 1

If any of you found me through No Ordinary Princess, you know I recently took a 10-day, solo trip to Barbados for sun, surf, fun and relaxation. I found them all and more. I began taking solo trips in 2004, after my last girlfriend and I broke up and I made a determination to get serious about psychotherapy and about remaining single for a while. Both decisions have made worlds of difference for me.

I started by hanging out at my parent's place at the Jersey shore, spending dog-less days on the beach, reading, learning, journaling, processing. Next, came the states of New Jersey (for kayaking) and Pennsylvania (primarily hiking, the winters have sucked for snowshoeing or XC skiing).

The lessons I've learned were not all learned on Barbados. I started down the path two years ago, between fits of racking sobs on the phone with the ever-patient Rowena, my therapist. The time alone on the island, the risks I took and didn't take, the time alone with myself over two years have all been my teachers. Pandora's Box was opened. Now I'm taming the monsters.

I am a lesbian. I have identified as a lesbian since late 1990. When I was 16, I realized I was physically attracted to my high school best friend. Okay, no problem. I had, after all, read Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* but Were Afraid to Ask. I was not about to be alarmed by a little homoerotic interest. Rather, it was titillating and I enjoyed the titillation.

When I was dating the boy who would become my husband (on Feb. 11, 1977), we started reading Penthouse Forum magazine. I told him about my inclination toward girls, my best friend in particular. The titillation spread. I'm sorry if I've helped foster a climate where men think it's titillating to watch two women perform together sexually. Along the lines of Beulah, the angry, Nazi cow PTA mom in Field of Dreams, I seem to have missed the Women's Movement. I had two timid and too-youthful 60's, skipped right over the sexual and feminine revolutions of the 70's and moved directly into 80's married motherhood. (Our son was born on February 11, 1980. Sound familiar?)

Marriage ended in '82. A couple of rather brief affairs to follow and, by 1986, I had sworn off men until I met one who really interested me. You see, sex with men was never the issue (still isn't). It's the "everything else" I have trouble with.

I have Lunesta coursing through my blood stream and slowly numbing my brain. I really do want to get up in the morning and this was going to be a serial anyway so I think I'll end Part 1 right here. (More to come...)

Technorati tags: cunt-positive / lesbian / life / sex / sex-positive / sexuality / sexual orientation / women

posted by Cheryl @ 9:27 PM