Claiming my Inner Bitch

Cheryl Grapples Depression to a 2-2 Tie

We've come to a truce, at least temporarily, my depression and me. "Impasse" might actually be the better term. Neither one of us is strong enough right now to obliterate the other so we retreat to our respective corners and plot strategy.

At least this weekend is better than the last one. Today is a perfect day...for doing the bare minimum of laundry, recycling, cleaning out the fridge and taking the garbage out. And for laying about on the couch soaking the cool dampness in through my skin. And for catching up with a few blogs.

Max Julian is over in Africa, God love him, and was given and accepted a Ugandan name. I envy him and am very happy he's able to experience this. I wish I could say I've been keeping up with thefreeslave in recent months but I never changed the feed in my Google sidebar when he moved to Wordpress so I haven't known there were new posts in a couple of months and I've lacked the motivation to wonder why.

Jean is considering career options and reliving 'high' school all over again at You Are There. Please go visit her and help me convince her to write this all in a book?

Kristin over at Go, go, Bimbo! is exploring the racism inherent in her grandmother's language and life and its impact on her family. This is one I've made mental notes on because I sense a post is in there for me somewhere.

I don't know what Cap'n Dyke is up to. I think I need to go make sure Google hasn't dropped another feed on me. I can't imagine th'Cap'n bein' so quiet fer so long, what wit' All Hallow's Eve a few, short weeks away. Perhaps she's all wrapped up with her Office Espionage Kit.

So, there is a cease-fire in the battle for my soul. I'm feeling a little better. Had some bloodwork drawn yesterday and will see my family doctor on Monday morning for the results and a discussion of my options regarding my depression. I wish I could just naturally be a person who doesn't give a fuck what people think or how I come off to others. Unfortunately, that's not the way I was made or formed. Since I wasn't born with an overabundance of courage and had none intentionally instilled in me during my formative years, I have to search for it now. It is difficult.

But I had the energy to wake at a reasonable hour, go get my prescriptions filled and a bite to eat, pick up smokes and strip the bed. I have four (4!) loads of clothes in need of laundering. I might have to split that up into 2 today (plus the load of sheets) and 2 tomorrow. Maybe I'll actually go get some wings tomorrow and enjoy the Eagles' game with wings and a beer while I wash. It's not quite whistling while I work but wings and a beer are a start.

And I'm actually starting to feel sexy again. Mmmmm. Nice. I missed it.

I think I've come to some understanding of what precipitated my most recent slide into darkness but I have to formulate those thoughts more before I can blog about them, if I feel I can share them at all.

It's enough this weekend to be (mostly) awake, getting (a few) things done and reading some of my favorite folks online. One step at a time....

(Update: "A pox upon me for a clumsy lout." How could I neglect to stop by at my favorite donjon of hedonistic bacchanalia, Hedonistic PleasureSeeker? Seems her latest adventure fell through for the evening so she's staying in and grooming. Of course, she's doing so in the most saporous manner. Enjoy!)

tags: depression / life / personal growth / self-awareness

posted by Cheryl @ 4:06 PM